Editing Sample
Published in Bay County Newspaper
Original
Early Aviation History of Lt. Cmdr. William Merrill Corey, Jr.
Lieutenant Commander William Merrill Corey, Jr., born on October 5, 1889, in Quincy,
Florida, must have had nerves of steel. He was one of the early aviators, actually the
23 rd naval aviator ever licensed in the U.S. He was a Naval Academy graduate with
honors and served in the U.S. Navy, spending four years on the U.S.S. Kansas. He had
a burning desire to be a pilot the entire time on the ship and later did become a fighter
pilot, serving in World War I.
Lt. Cmdr. Corey was posthumously awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor after he
lost his life in an aircraft accident on October 6, 1920. Early airplanes did not have the
instruments that are in use today so navigating when the skies were not clear was
challenging, to say the least. There was cloud cover, and the pilot was trying to land but
could not find the airport, so they landed on a golf course, visited there for two days,
then requested that the plane be refueled. The young guy who fueled the plane did not
use the correct fuel, using automobile gas instead of aviation gas. When they were
lifting off and flying over the tree line, the engine stalled causing the plane to nose over
and crash. Lt. Cmdr. Corey was a passenger and was thrown clear because he was in
the back seat and was not wearing a seat belt. He was catapulted about 15 feet
forward of the airplane, but the co-pilot was crushed under the plane and did not escape
before the plane burst into flames. Lt. Cmdr. Corey could hear his buddy screaming in
agony, being burned alive, and even with three broken ribs and a broken nose managed
to rush back through the fire and endeavor to unbuckle his buddy. In doing so, he
sustained serious burns, from which he died four days later in the hospital. Some of the
other people from the golf course came over, started dousing the flames and pulled his
buddy out, who died that night.
An airfield was named Corey Field, in his honor, and was located for many years near I-
10 and I-110 near Davis Avenue in Pensacola, Florida. After five years, the city started
to encroach on the field, so they moved to another area and opened a second Corey
field just above Roscoe, along Highway 98. There is also a football field named in his
honor in Quincy.
What heroic service from a courageous man!
This information came from fascinating presentations made to the Callaway Historical
Society on April 21 st by Mike Smith, a veteran and a pilot, who flew for Gulf Power for 28
years, and by Jim Corey, great nephew of William Merrill Corey, Jr., who is a published
author.
Karen Custer
Edited
The Heroic Sacrifice of Lt. Cmdr. Corey
By Karen Custer
CALLAWAY, FL - Lieutenant Commander William Merrill Corey, Jr., born in Quincy, FL on October 5, 1889, must have had nerves of steel. He was an early aviator, the twenty-third naval aviator ever licensed in the U.S. He was a Naval Academy graduate with honors and served in the U.S. Navy, spending four years on the U.S.S. Kansas. While on the ship, he had a burning desire to become a pilot. He later fulfilled that desire and became a fighter pilot serving in World War I.
Lt. Cmdr. Corey was posthumously awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor after he lost his life in an aircraft accident on October 6, 1920. Early airplanes did not have the navigation instruments that are in use today, so navigating when the skies were unclear was very challenging. There was cloud cover, the pilot was unable to see the airport so they opted to land on a golf course. They would remain here for two days before requesting that the plane be refueled. The young man who fueled the plane made the mistake of using automobile gas instead of aviation gas. As they were lifting off and flying over the tree line, the engine stalled causing the plane to nose over and crash.
Lt. Cmdr. Corey was seated in the back of the plane and had not buckled in. He was catapulted about 15 feet forward of the airplane, but the co-pilot was crushed under the plane and was unable to escape before the plane burst into flames. Lt. Cmdr. Corey could hear his co-pilot screaming in agony burning alive. With three broken ribs and a broken nose he managed to rush back through the fire to unbuckle the co-pilot. In doing so, he sustained serious burns. The golf course staff quickly noticed and started dousing the flames and pulled the co-pilot out, who died later that night. Lt. Cmdr. Corey died four days later from his severe burns.
An airfield was named Corey Field in his honor and was located near I-10 and I-110 near Davis Avenue in Pensacola, Florida. After five years, the city started to encroach on the field, so a second Corey field was opened just above Roscoe, along Highway 98. There is also a football field named in his honor in Quincy. What heroic service from a courageous man!
This information came from presentations made to the Callaway Historical Society on April 21 st by Mike Smith and Jim Corey. Smith was a veteran and a pilot who flew for Gulf Power for 28 years. Jim Corey, a published author and great nephew of William Merrill Corey, Jr.
Editors Notes
Overall Assessment
The original article contains a really cool and compelling story, but the organization, sentence structure, and pacing really obscure its emotional impact. My edits focused on improving readability while preserving the author's voice and the historical facts.
Strengthened the title and added a Byline.
Original: Early Aviation History of Lt. Cmdr. William Merrill Corey, Jr.
Edited: The Heroic Sacrifice of Lt. Cmdr. Corey
Editors note
The original title functioned well as a label, but did little to encourage readership. The revised title still highlights the central act of heroism, but maintains an appropriate tone for a historical feature.
Fixed the formatting.
The original double spaced formatting was hard to look at and difficult to read. I split the article up into five single-spaced paragraphs and added the location this event took place.
Improved opening paragraph.
I shortened several introductory sentences and reordered information to improve readability.
For example: “born in Quincy, FL on October 5, 1889” is more readable than “born on October 5, 1889, in Quincy, Florida”
“He was an early aviator, the twenty-third naval aviator ever licensed in the U.S.” is more direct than “He was one of the early aviators, actually the 23rd naval aviator ever licensed in the U.S.”
Reduced Wordiness
Throughout the article I removed unnecessary wording that slowed the pace
"...challenging, to say the least." to "...very challenging."
“Lt. Cmdr. Corey was a passenger and was thrown clear because he was in the back seat and was not wearing a seat belt.” to “Lt. Cmdr. Corey was seated in the back of the plane and had not buckled in.”
Broke up run on sentences
The original article relied heavily on long compound sentences that contained multiple actions.
For example, the entire sequence involving:
landing on the golf course
staying there for two days
refueling
incorrect fuel
takeoff
engine failure
was divided into several shorter sentences.
Reorganized the events chronologically
The original occasionally jumped between events within the incident, so I reorganized the sequence so the reader experiences the events in the order that they occurred:
Emergency landing
Incorrect refueling
Crash
Rescue attempt
Corey’s Injury
Death of the co-pilot
Death of Corey
Formal Tone.
Several informal phrases were replaced.
“young guy” to “young man”
“his buddy” to “the co-pilot”
Historic articles generally benefit from consistent and formal language.
Improved the closing attribution
The final paragraph originally contained lengthy descriptions of both presenters, I condensed the bibliographies while preserving the relevant credentials.
Additional editorial queries
Query one:
Please verify if Corey actually received the Congressional Medal of Honor. Historical records indicate that he may have been awarded the Medal of honor. Recommend confirming official award title
Query two:
Can the cause of incorrect fuel be sourced? If available, cite an incident report or historical record rather than relying on word of mouth.
Query three:
Please verify if Roscoe is the correct location. Consider adding a more recognizable geographic reference if possible.