How to Ruin Yourself

            Maybe you’re tired of the constant pressure of life, the ceaseless human desire to succeed. Perhaps you just want to see how long you can go before bouncing back. Maybe you’re looking for a story of humorous self-destruction. Whatever your reason may be, I don’t really care. I am going to walk you through all the ways you can absolutely ruin yourself – step by step.

            Start bedrotting along with excessive screen time. “Bedrotting” is a term coined by the thoughtless minds of this earth's latest and greatest generation. Simply put, don’t leave your bed. Wake up, reach over to your nightstand and grab that little device that you’re so addicted to and instantly get a hit of cheap dopamine. TikTok, YouTube shorts, Instagram reels. Pick your poison. They all get the job done. Be sure to do this for at least three hours, or until you can get your legs to fall out of bed to use the bathroom. When in the bathroom, continue scrolling. Scroll while brushing your teeth (dental hygiene is optional), scroll on the toilet, scroll in the shower (also optional.) This is the cornerstone to destroy everything you have built with your time on this planet thus far, but we can take it a step further.

            Develop an extremely unhealthy relationship with food. Don’t eat at all some days. Gorge yourself with thousands of empty calories on others. Do whatever you want, just make sure there’s nothing green involved. This will obliterate your mental health. You will feel worthless all the time. The only thing that will even sound remotely appealing to do is bedrotting. Oh, and be sure to never leave the house to get food. Companies like DoorDash, Uber eats, and GrubHub are your best friends here. They are quite expensive, but we don’t care about that. Disregard your finances completely. Spend recklessly. Support the world’s multi-billionaires by buying pointless shit that you will never use on amazon. If you run out of money, take out a loan. Rack up thousands of dollars in debt to satisfy your immediate short-term wants. Who cares anyway?

            Develop extremely unhealthy habits. You know the ones your mom warned you about? Yeah, those. Drink in excess (alone) pick up smoking or vaping and ignore any health issues that might arise. Your body and mind will deteriorate quickly, making it harder to bounce back.

            Isolate yourself completely. Burn bridges with everyone who cares about you. Start unnecessary fights and insist that your new lifestyle is what’s best for you. Refuse to apologize and assume that you are always right. If anyone offers help, reject it out of pride.

            Now, if all the above is accomplished and done correctly, you will be tired all the time. Your body will be in a constant state of lethargy. But paradoxically you will have trouble sleeping at night. This is especially miserable. Tired all the time but unable to sleep, mentally chained to your mattress and a phone glued to your hand. Your eyes are unable to look away from the endless short form content constantly pumping short-term pleasures into your sad little brain.

            Become extremely self-aware of this. Know that you have a problem. Understand the steps that you must take to fix it but do nothing about it. Disregard your physical and mental health completely and become a husk whose sole purpose is to endlessly consume.

Congratulations! You are now a miserable person.